Direct and blunt people suffer from the agony of passive aggressive attacks the most because there is no room for directly addressing indirect behaviors. You can never really address comments that may or may not be directed at you (when you know that they really are). What becomes most frustrating for direct people is to be shut up by default when you know you can easily go Richard Pryor on a person.
However, docile and timid people are made vulnerable by the bully tactics of passive aggressive behavior and could lead to really miserable circumstances for some. Many passive aggressive people seek out the non-confrontational types to dump and unload their misery on an easy target. But who will tell these bullies how uncool this is?
Passive aggressive people are only skillful in watching and searching for weaknesses. In other areas of their lives they feel powerless (especially around you) and are hiding behind a superior exterior in lieu of exposing how weak they really feel. Think about it, if their lives were so grand, would they really have time to worry about someone else's shortcomings?
If you are a victim of passive aggressive attacks, it is usually a telling sign that someone is threatened by you even if doesn't seem obvious. Otherwise, a passive aggressive person would just pay you no mind. Why not use passive aggressive people as your teachable tool instead of your adversary? They are pointing out where you have let your guard down and where the work on yourself should begin. Show them gratitude instead of shame.
However some of us are victims of really deep rooted passive aggressive behavior that has little to do about whom we are and more about the exploitation of untruths of how we are perceived. For these instances and all other passive aggressive attacks, why not try a few of these helpful hints to win in passive aggressive warfare:
Tip One: Understanding the Truth
They are threatened by you. Reclaim the power by being confident in this fact every time they are around. Confidence is a great deterrent to a person who is too weak to tell you how s/he really feels.
We are all human and struggling to get through this thing called life. When we let passive aggressive personalities trick us that only we are having a difficult time, we shift our power over to them. Why let them make us FEEL like losers, when we really aren't...Or if we are losers, then so is everyone else.
Tip Two: Always Shift the Spotlight Back Unto Them
Those who pick on fat people a lot of time are suffering from an eating disorder, or those who mock single people are really in miserable marriages or those who really have it all together have done so at the expense of their children, friends or moral fiber.
If Becky passively aggressively mocks you for your seconds on dessert at the company dinner, why not respond with a witty comeback saying I'd rather enjoy my food than sneak off into the bathroom and throw it up like some people. Yes, I realize that this is mean, but you never said Becky was a bulimic.
Next time Jane flaunts her newest piece of jewelry from her perfect husband in your face and makes comment about you not knowing the joy of marriage, why not say with a laugh, Gee, I wonder what Darren felt so guilty about to shell out that kind of dough? Yes, again I realize this is mean, but it was only a joke right?
And the next time Louise makes comment on your 1998 Honda not being up to par with her 2011 BMW, why not shift gear about when was the last time she spoke to her son? And even offer Isn't being close and respected by all of your children a real joy? Don't forget to martyr yourself by saying how your daughter's SAT prep courses cost a bundle but you would rather spend your money on your kids than on frivolous things for yourself.Or just talk about God. Gets 'em every time.
Tip Three: Master the Art of Seeing It Coming
This is a two-part tip. On the one hand, know that the sentinel of passive aggressiveness is always on the lookout so know when the attacker is about to unload her/his misery on you.
Part two is mastering the art of the mid sentence cut-off. UM! You'll have to excuse me, I need to make an important phone call, I'll get back to later.
Did you see what just happened there?
Not only did you shift the power back into your corner but you also made it clear that the passive aggressive person is NOT the most important person in your life.
Irrelevancy is the passive aggressive person's kryptonite.
Tip Four: Be Too Good For the Slings and Arrows
This requires the most powerful tool that we as humans can attain: self acceptance.
If you are good with yourself who cares what Becky or Louise have to say--even if they have you outnumbered in a passive aggressive ambush. Fact is, if you are good with God, or at least the person who you are, all other opinions of you are just background noise. Be proud of yourself.
This often has a reverse reaction from passive aggressive attacks as it fuels their need to get under your skin so they become relentless. What eventually happens is that passive aggressive warfare becomes a test of both party's endurance. All tests are designed for success so don't take on a losing mentality and you will do just fine.
Tip Five: Get a Hobby
Take your mind off what is passively happening around you by doing something of interest. Focus your attention on getting great at that, and have an outlet to excel without your mind recalling the words of passive aggressive bullies all day. The more technical the hobby, the better.
None of us on earth are perfect, and those who try to make us feel less than are no better or no worse than those they nit-pick. How you respond is up to you. Sometimes the greatest victory is losing 20 lbs and showing Becky how great you look in your killer black dress at the next company function. Don't forget to send her a cheerful "Thanks" when all eyes are on you. Use Jane's annoying nagging insults as the fuel to say "hi" to the cute guy at the coffee shop. And when Louise has the newest gadget that isn't on the market yet, be happy for her instead.
There are plenty of ways to re-adjust your mind so that passive aggressive behavior doesn't consume you with the negativity it intends to cause. It is your life to live, and you are entitled to enjoy every bit of it.
Hope this helps...but if it doesn't, laugh at the screen while you are at work and pretend that this is the funniest thing you have ever read. When the passive aggressive co-workers begin to stalk around you, quickly change the page so they cannot see. It will drive them nuts all day!
Sun Blossom Kente - SBK maintains both a professional journalism career as well as an entertainment loose-canon style of stretching the social conversation.
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